Trying to Find Strength When You’re Crumbling Inside


strength

Trying to find the strength to make it through the day can be difficult with mental illness. Since attempting suicide several times in a short space of time, I’ve been under the home treatment team. It doesn’t help that some of the people I have never met before. Do they actually know my diagnosis – EUPD, and that paranoia is one of my traits?

The man today, whom I had never met before, didn’t understand me. Perhaps he didn’t know that I’d had a miscarriage in January, perhaps he doesn’t know about the instability with personal relationships in BPD and my fear of abandonment and rejection. Perhaps he doesn’t know about my childhood trauma and my mums mental illness.

Prior to these questions like “how long have you and your boyfriend been together, what did you used to enjoy doing, what do you want to do for work, I could only answer “I don’t know” because my mind is clouded to the point where all I can think about is “I would rather be dead than feel this way”. Yes, some people can do an activity and feel better, and I had psyched myself up that morning to actually go for a long walk, but I got upset with the constant questions about my partner and our breakup, and this has unbalanced me to the point where I am no longer in control. I hate being unbalanced where I’m paranoid about even going for a walk, being around the few people who will cross my path, the cars driving past and believing that they are judging how ugly I am, the negative energy etc. Some people have great listening skills, while others just speak to us like a few activities is going to sort out our heads. Do they actually understand mental illness?

To be honest, I’m fucking angry and pissed off that I’ve had to struggle for so long when fuck all GPs have listened to me all these years and not diagnosed me correctly and not put me in touch with the right therapy. Sorry for swearing. Right now, I don’t believe that I will ever feel normal again, I have lost all hope in being happy because of losing the baby and my partner, and I’m just trying to make it through the day.

Exercise doesn’t always help, no matter what the experts say. I read the psalms for an hour and garnered enough strength to go on my walk. I felt quite paranoid, looking down and walking, but there was a point when I actually felt lighter after making it up the steep Crimble hill. After 1 hour 10 minutes I was back home. I had a cup of tea while the sweat started to chill against my skin, and I felt low and teary. Even a hot shower with my home made coffee scrub didn’t lighten my mood.

Perhaps it’s the breakup, but he’s said that I’m abusive and a bully, so I keep telling myself that he’s better off without me. He’s not phoned. I’ve not phoned. I just wanted to be important to him, for him to want to be around me and love me, and I don’t think he’ll ever understand that. I can’t fix myself for him to want me when I’m low.

It’s so hard to find strength when I’m physically crumbling inside. I pray to God and I wish that I could hear his response. One of the highlights of my walk was seeing a robin, and a blue tit. Thank you Lord for these beautiful sights. I am grateful that for the strength to go for the walk, but I just have such apathy now. I wish life were lighter.

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