BPD and overwhelm

When you breakdown in front of a health expert, immediately it comes down to mental health issues. Sure, I have a diagnosis of BPD and have still not heard back from the relevant dialectical behavioural therapy team, and I doubt I ever will. BPD and overwhelm is normal, and as a new mom it’s shown its face almost every day, at some point. Mostly in the evenings, but lack of sleep has certainly pushed it further.

I’m a new mom at 42. Grace is now just over 3 months and I’m exclusively breastfeeding. It’s been hard. Just search ‘breastfeeding’ in Google.co.uk or Duckduckgo.com and you’ll come across plenty of NHS links, but the support is very lacking. If you want to successfully breastfeed, you will most likely have to go it alone. Even the supposed ‘lactation experts’ like tongue tie specialists do not have the patience to work with frustrated mothers who desperately want to breastfeed.

There have been times as a new mom that Grace cries for no reason. I don’t know if she’s hungry, has trapped wind, is teething, needs to burb, or is just bored. I cried with overwhelm on many many occasions, however, I have found success with swaddling her in a blanket, and then she latches on, so it requires some arm strength as I can be standing for a while, as Grace is over 1 stone now.

What’s your way of soothing your crying baby? Do you have BPD and overwhelm and have you had help from the NHS with dialectical behavioural therapy, and does it work to control those irrational thoughts that fester?

Those of you with Borderline Personality Disorder or Emotional Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD), as it is also known, may experience splitting. It’s a horrible experience when it comes. As we cannot control our emotions already, feelings of anger and hatred can come out against others and we act with impulse.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder and Splitting

According to Very Well Health,

BPD splitting is a symptom of borderline personality disorder (BPD) in which a person is unable to hold opposing thoughts and concludes that something is either entirely good or entirely bad. With BPD splitting, there is no middle ground, and the person will view the nature of people and situations as either black-or-white or all-or-nothing.

Real Life Experiences of Splitting

January 2022 at my local GP surgery, which I was attending for a routine smear test. Obviously I do not wear a mask because of anxiety and Government have provided exemptions for those who cannot wear them. I wore no mask exemption, as I normally do, as I was running late for my appointment. The nurse who called me asked where my mask was. I told her I was exempt. I sat down and she smirked and asked why she thought I was exempt. I told her I have anxiety. She began to give me a mask and I was starting to get very angry, which was coming across in my tone. What was her problem? Why was she so afraid? She left the room and then came in and continued to badger me to put on one. I asked her ‘are you going to serve me’ and received no answer, so I had no opportunity but to walk out the door, and yelled at her, ‘you are killing people’.

This surgery never once apologised. It is disgraceful behaviour from so-called ‘health professionals’. They try to control people, but not everyone is afraid of a virus that has to be diagnosed through a PCR test with 45 cycles, which produces false data anyway.

December 2022, received a decision from a tribunal, which went in the favour of my local Council. Again, they sided with the council after receiving an opinion from a GP I had never met who says I am not suffering with a long term impairment, to which I told them to go f*** themselves via email. In that moment, it made me feel so much better, but then I end up in despair and feel an urgency to apologise.

This is not Christian behaviour, but I cannot control my emotions when I view people as the enemy. I saw that cold heartless nurse as the enemy, and I saw this tribunal as the enemy too.

Do you have Borderline Personality Disorder and splitting? What situations have you encountered to trigger this splitting? Have you managed to get help via Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, and has it made a difference?

What I find from being diagnosed with this illness is that there is not much understanding from GPs and ‘health professionals’. As if we want to act in these psychotic ways, but it’s part of how our brain works. It’s not pleasant, but I just wish there was more understanding and less prejudice and judgement toward those of us with this EUPD/BPD diagnosis, which is a serious lifelong condition caused by an overactive amygdala and underactive prefrontal cortex. With BPD/EUPD, our amygdala releases too much fear, while our prefrontal cortex should provide reasoning and balance during times of stress, and yet our minds do not function as a normal mentally able person.

We are often judged manipulative and this leads to impulsive outcomes like in borderline personality disorder and splitting, but if there was more understanding in the first place, for example, if GPs, surgeries, tribunals, and ‘health professionals’ actually knew about our history, they could tailor us with a caring and empathic environment where we could learn to trust. Instead, these individuals are becoming more robotic by the day.

democratic therapeutic community

I only heard about Democratic Therapeutic Community earlier this year, after my psychologist tried to get me community mental health support, which they denied me, instead saying I could self-refer for DTC. What a lie! My therapist did not mention this treatment once, even though I signalled to her that I likely had borderline personality disorder when I first started the sessions due to my inability to maintain relationships, paranoia, daily skin picking, and fear of abandonment/rejection. I didn’t feel listened to by my doctor or therapist. It took me five years to finally learn what was wrong with me, and that was because I did my own reading. I was right. Emotional Unstable Personality Disorder, with its best therapy something called Dialectical Behavioural Therapy. It is a very difficult condition to treat that has a high suicide rate.

Even though I finally heard back from the Democratic Therapeutic Community team, it is doubtful that I will ever get this treatment, as they have waiting lists going back to 2017, and they allow only 12 people onto the groups.

I’ve made my mind up about  mental health services. Therapy might show a mask of help, but behind that mask is a level of control that the therapists hold against vulnerable persons. I don’t like this. It’s there in GPs, mental health therapists, and the community mental health team in general. It’s like they want to kill off the vulnerable, and they sure are causing unnecessary despair to the mentally ill and vulnerable during this Coronavirus hoax, the stupid lockdowns kept going by the cases, which do not equal an infection. It’s an entirely fraudulent activity to purposely crash the economy and vastly depopulate the world. LORD have mercy on the these crimes against humanity and the desensitized souls ruling over us.

To the BBC and other media institutes who continue to propagate fear and divide amongst the masses – THINK ABOUT THE VULNERABLE. THINK ABOUT THOSE WHO STRUGGLE WITH THEIR MENTAL HEALTH. THINK ABOUT CHILDREN. Is your job really worth it? Who are you helping? Really?

Not sure if I’m still on the list for dialectical behavioural therapy, but the entire mental health system is difficult to access, run by power hungry individuals who have little compassion toward those they help, and it’s too difficult to access. At the end of being told by the community mental health team that I could self-refer to the Democratic Therapeutic Community, this was incorrect, as they wouldn’t even receive a referral from my GP. It had to be from my psychologist, and the phone calls back and forth with Thinking Ahead, my GP, psychologist, and giving permission for my sister to speak to services on my behalf, caused me so much overwhelm and stress. WHAT AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE.

And why do therapists keep this information to themselves, instead of sharing all that they know, especially knowing that accessing a free mental health service within the UK can take many long years of waiting? UK Government, you should be ashamed of the poor mental health services that are currently in place.

These ‘mental health professionals’ have no idea what the mentally ill and vulnerable have to face day in day out. If anything, mental illness helps us to be compassionate toward those who are suffering. This is my ‘curse’, my sensitivity in a dead inhumane world of divide and rule.

depression

Depression is a serious illness, and the statistics state that 1 in every 4 people will develop a mental illness at some time in his or her life. As a borderline, or emotionally unstable person, I hate it when depression rears its ugly head, coupled with loneliness and emptiness. I have little energy to want to do anything. I neglect my family. I neglect my own hygiene. I don’t want to eat, not even comfort eat. I find it difficult to pray.

I feel such a burden, like nobody wants to be around me when I’m like this. I wish somebody was around to hug me and pray for me. However, moments of depression do pass as a borderline, and I’m grateful for that.

Lord, thank you for the strength to continue, when I have prayed so many times for you to take my life.

Fear thou not; for I am with thee:
be not dismayed; for I am thy God:
I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee;
yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness – Isaiah 41:10

 

daily walking

On Monday, during my daily morning of reciting scripture for thirty minutes in an effort to strengthen my impaired or under developed prefrontal cortex, I received a clear message that I needed to put a daily walk into my life.

The first walk was mentally difficult, but I made a conscious effort to complete this goal – for myself. Although I was back home in just over an hour, I didn’t feel that much better mentally.

The Tuesday walk went far better with improving my mood. Whether the weather would be wet or sunny, I had set the goal firmly in my mind that I needed to go on my walk.

Today has been a lazy day. Thursday I plan to go walking again…God willing. And Friday too. I need walking to become a daily part of my life, because I can’t live my life dependent upon another person for my happiness. God is my source of strength and my comfort, and while I’m out walking I can pray for others, and express gratitude for the life that I have. I leave my mobile phone at home, and walk without music listening to nature.

The message to daily walk must be that goal that I must persist with each day, in order to not give into suicidal thoughts and despair, and to improve my mental health. So I’ll keep on walking….Thank you Lord for your wisdom and strength.

BPD

I’ve been struggling with my emotions for over ten years, unable to deal this raw intensity, tired of being too sensitive and tearful. I came across the symptoms of BPD in a short pamphlet that I picked up from a doctor’s surgery in Heywood, and upon reading about the criteria for BPD, I couldn’t believe that this was me, this was what I had been experiencing for so very long. I hadn’t heard of this before.

I went to my GP, who dismissed me and just said it was my personality. I told my psychologist from the start that I thought I had BPD, and she too didn’t validate me. Instead, I was forced to push it to one side and just had to cope with being ‘depressed’, but continued to behave in the disregular ways that I would, unable to hold onto a relationship, paranoid about family and friends, coping with the internal pain by compulsive skin picking, real or imagined fear of abandonment or rejection, feeling anger, shame and guilt toward self, and waking up with chronic emptiness and moments of loneliness, even when I was around people.

Sadly, I’ve been given all of the wrong therapies across ten years, tried four different anti-depressant medications, and I still feel misunderstood by the mental health community. Emotional disregulation is not the same as depression or sadness. We actually have no control over our emotions in those reactive moments. The emotions take control over us. I’m no way trying to say that I’m special or anything like that. I understand the grandiose symptom of bipolar disorder, but I just want to be understood and validated. I’ve tried over ten different alternative therapies to try to fix myself, especially the compulsive skin picking disorder, even before I knew what was wrong with me.

It was only after attempting suicide three times in the space of about two weeks that I finally saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with EUPD. I’ll never see the psychiatrist again. I no longer know how to cope with this disorder because the diagnosis has come too late when I’ve lost my partner, so I’m considering taking another anti-depressant that will probably just make me just want to stay in bed for most of the day again. I want to get better, but I just don’t know how to. I’ve even been to my doctors to ask for shock therapy – that is how desperate I have felt, but he said that it was torture. How about being unable to regulate emotions. Is this not torture, Mr GP?

Now that I understand that BPD is actually being unable to regulate emotions, the diagnosis of BPD has come too late, because when I’ve reacted to something, I have absolutely no way of controlling it. I still don’t know how to control it. I’m tired of having to explain myself to the professionals. Really really tired. The guilt comes afterward when I can think rationally, but then I’ve destroyed both my life and that of my partner hundreds and hundreds of times.

It really is the end. I’ve lost my partner and I wouldn’t even know how to make the peace anymore. The poor guy has had to put up with my turbulent emotions and abuse for five years. I want to send him videos and tell him that “hey it’s not my fault because I honestly don’t know how to control my emotions when I get like that” but then I just tell myself that I am not going to get better anyway, so what’s the fucking point. Is DBT really going to help my BPD, if I ever receive it?

It’s sad to actually know what’s wrong with you, but then for professionals to just shun you and invalidate those feelings. Every time Christian would tell me to just do something else to feel better, he was invalidating my emotions at that time. What I needed from him was validation that it was okay to feel the way I do, because I’m mega sensitive to the world around me, and if I act out of character because I fear rejection or abandonment, it is very real to me. I’m hyper sensitive and I can read body language over the phone, or on someone’s face and know when they don’t want me around or when they’re bored. I’m not a witch either. My emotions get hyperaroused to the point where I can’t actually think logically, and if only he could see that deep down, apart from the volatile words and actions that are occurring from my overactive amygdala, I need love and comfort and to be told that I will feel okay again, but then I’m left alone. No one wants to be around Helen when she’s acting in this way, but inside I’m crumbling and I don’t want to be left alone with these thoughts because I just want to die. I don’t want to feel anymore. I”m drowning in fear, and no one will put me out of the darkness. No wonder I don’t know who I am. I am constantly feeling the need to have to fix myself, or else no one will ever want to be around me, and I can’t keep up. No wonder I feel like suicide is the way out.

This video is very helpful if you want to understand Borderline Personality Disorder, but as a woman diagnosed with BPD, it doesn’t provide me with the solutions on how to regulate my emotions. Even though the lady in recovery of BPD says that she has found that DBT has helped her, what if it doesn’t help me? I already experience despair, and to despair about there being no hope for me to ever be normal again, is difficult to ponder.

strength

Trying to find the strength to make it through the day can be difficult with mental illness. Since attempting suicide several times in a short space of time, I’ve been under the home treatment team. It doesn’t help that some of the people I have never met before. Do they actually know my diagnosis – EUPD, and that paranoia is one of my traits?

The man today, whom I had never met before, didn’t understand me. Perhaps he didn’t know that I’d had a miscarriage in January, perhaps he doesn’t know about the instability with personal relationships in BPD and my fear of abandonment and rejection. Perhaps he doesn’t know about my childhood trauma and my mums mental illness.

Prior to these questions like “how long have you and your boyfriend been together, what did you used to enjoy doing, what do you want to do for work, I could only answer “I don’t know” because my mind is clouded to the point where all I can think about is “I would rather be dead than feel this way”. Yes, some people can do an activity and feel better, and I had psyched myself up that morning to actually go for a long walk, but I got upset with the constant questions about my partner and our breakup, and this has unbalanced me to the point where I am no longer in control. I hate being unbalanced where I’m paranoid about even going for a walk, being around the few people who will cross my path, the cars driving past and believing that they are judging how ugly I am, the negative energy etc. Some people have great listening skills, while others just speak to us like a few activities is going to sort out our heads. Do they actually understand mental illness?

To be honest, I’m fucking angry and pissed off that I’ve had to struggle for so long when fuck all GPs have listened to me all these years and not diagnosed me correctly and not put me in touch with the right therapy. Sorry for swearing. Right now, I don’t believe that I will ever feel normal again, I have lost all hope in being happy because of losing the baby and my partner, and I’m just trying to make it through the day.

Exercise doesn’t always help, no matter what the experts say. I read the psalms for an hour and garnered enough strength to go on my walk. I felt quite paranoid, looking down and walking, but there was a point when I actually felt lighter after making it up the steep Crimble hill. After 1 hour 10 minutes I was back home. I had a cup of tea while the sweat started to chill against my skin, and I felt low and teary. Even a hot shower with my home made coffee scrub didn’t lighten my mood.

Perhaps it’s the breakup, but he’s said that I’m abusive and a bully, so I keep telling myself that he’s better off without me. He’s not phoned. I’ve not phoned. I just wanted to be important to him, for him to want to be around me and love me, and I don’t think he’ll ever understand that. I can’t fix myself for him to want me when I’m low.

It’s so hard to find strength when I’m physically crumbling inside. I pray to God and I wish that I could hear his response. One of the highlights of my walk was seeing a robin, and a blue tit. Thank you Lord for these beautiful sights. I am grateful that for the strength to go for the walk, but I just have such apathy now. I wish life were lighter.

chronic emptiness

The chronic emptiness in borderline personality disorder is what makes this mental disorder so misunderstood by the mentally able. It may seem like we are trying to say that we are ‘special’ or even being ‘manipulative’, but if you have never felt this chronic emptiness then you will never understand how mentally isolating it feels to be so alone in a world of plenty.

There is so much variety in this world, so much vibrance and personality, and yet even when we are around people, we still have this chronic emptiness that comes from nowhere.

This can be one reason why we have suicidal ideation. Who would want to wake up feeling so empty and with such a level of loneliness that we feel no one else but Jesus will ever understand. I pour my heart out to Him and feel moments of peace. I read the Holy Word and feel enlightened, but then the loneliness begins to rain upon my shoulders and I’m cast down again.

The feelings of emptiness are horrible. They are all consuming and terrifying. They make me just want to hide under the covers and hope that sleep will push it all away, and sometimes this works, but sometimes it doesn’t. The guilt and shame over hurts that have happened to me, and hurts that I have put upon others, shadow over me until the tears start flowing and I pray for God to give me peace.

Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art though disquieted within me? hope in God; for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God – Psalm 43:5

Even when I feel the chronic emptiness day by day, I remind myself that I am not alone. I have a saviour who has felt the pains of loneliness and rejection. I am safe in God’s hand. He cares and loves me, and he is nigh to the brokenhearted. Even though I cannot hear Him audibly, He gives me moments of peace and joy for which I am grateful, and He gives me the strength to make it through the day

 

 

overreacting in BPD

I’m tired of overreacting in BPD to something as silly as someone not showering or making an effort, which may seem extreme to normal minded person, but this is what actually goes on in the head of a person with Borderline Personality Disorder.

What my mind did was link to a time when my partner had shaved his face before he was meeting his ex-girlfriend, so when he started walking up to me last night for our regular curry, and he said he realised the time and it was too late for him to take a shower, the thoughts of “i’m not enough or I’m not important” began to roll around in my head, until I had built up such a scene when the food came that I needed to run way to my safe place. I realise I am overreacting in BPD, but I can’t actually see it until after the damage is done.

In Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder by Blaise Aguirre and Gillian Galen, page 40 says:

The amygdala also plays an important role in the making of memories – in particular, memories tied to strong emotions. This is a critical function that, under normal circumstances, would work like this: Imagine that you go up to an unfamiliar dog that’s wandering in the park, and the dog growls at you and then bites you. You experience fear, and the memory is registered and locked in, making it less likely that you will go up to strange dogs in the future. From an evolutionary perspective, the amygdala would have helped keep us away from all sorts of dangers like saber-toothed tigers. In BPD this response is magnified, and then, rather than their serving simply as a warning system, the memories, paired with strong emotions, play over and over, causing suffering ever after the danger has passed.

After overreacting in BPD, and repeatedly telling myself that I wasn’t important enough for him to make an effort, I left our meal and bolted, tears welling up in my eyes, desperate to be alone where I could ‘cry all of he pain away’. He ran after me asking where I was going and I cried on his arm for several minutes. Thoughts of wanting to die began to pound in my head, and I asked him if he would stay with me. He said he would come round the following day, but I needed him then. I can never get him to come round during my desperate episodes of incredible loneliness unless I attempt suicide. Somehow, I just don’t think he cares enough to want to be with me during those horrible times of insecurity.

I’m not sure if this is ‘splitting’ in BPD – going from stable to unstable in a matter of minutes. Loving someone one minute then quitting on them the next. I’ve been this way for so long I believe that will never be able to have a healthy relationship.

The chronic emptiness and loneliness is horrible. All I want to do is for him to be around and love me, but instead I turn into a psycho saying all kinds of horrible words like fuck off selfish twat, selfish bastard, and I wish that our paths had never crossed. It’s a behaviour that I cannot stop even if I wanted it to. Finally, he then texts that he can’t take the abuse any more, and then I’m left feeling desperate enough to want to die because I believe that no one else will ever want me because of my scars etc.

It’s taken me until 4PM today to feel balanced again where I can actually function (and eat) normally. I feel so ashamed at my behaviour, but I don’t know how to stop. Can anybody help me when those overwhelming feelings come where I just need to ‘bolt’ off home where I’m isolating myself again, but also feeling so incredibly lonely and unable to cope? The overreacting in BPD is frequent. It happened yesterday, and it happened last Sunday. Is normal even possible?

splitting

Splitting is a term used in Borderline Personality Disorder. I’ve only recently received a diagnosis of Emotional Unstable Personality Disorder, or BPD, as it was previously called by the National Institute For Health And Care Excellence (NICE).

One of my recurring issues during periods of crisis is something called splitting. This has caused incredible harm with my partner, and he’s actually afraid of me because he doesn’t know how I am from one day to the next. I feel incredible shame and guilt over my behaviour, but I have no control over that behaviour. Trying to strengthen my impaired prefrontal cortex with reciting Psalm 23 for 30 mins am and pm, listening to classical music, brain building exercises, exercise, jigsaw puzzles, and eating better.

Splitting is a trait of this disorder that has the potential to destroy relationships. I am deeply ashamed, but if I could have controlled my overactive emotional reactions in the last five to ten years, I surely would have. I would never want to hurt those I love purposely. It might be unbelievable to others who have no empathy toward mental illness, but since 1 in 4 people are likely to experience mental illness in their lifetime, this illness calls for compassion. Mental illness is an invisible illness that causes incredible shame, and many suffer alone.