- be getting married on the 21 March 2020
- be sixteen weeks pregnant and have that lovely just starting to show baby bump
- have moved in with Christian and have a family just before my 40th birthday
Instead, I miscarried in early January (perhaps earlier), can’t hold down a relationship because of my emotional dysregulation disorder, attempted suicide three times and now I can’t make any plans for the future. Perhaps I had a breakdown, I just don’t know anymore. People tell me to be gentle and kind to myself, but sometimes I tell myself that I am better off dead. Self loathing is very apparent.
I still haven’t opened my bridal outfit from Monsoon. I feel like I just let everyone down. Life is tough for everyone, I get that, but it really really sucks when all your hopes are dashed in feeling such a failure as a woman.
The ‘health experts’ I’ve spoken to tell me that a miscarriage cannot be prevented, but what if it could have? Perhaps I shouldn’t have exerted myself on the rowing machine, perhaps I shouldn’t have had that pint of Guinness before I found out I was pregnant, perhaps I was drinking too much decaf tea and coffee. It’s hard not knowing why.
I’m a big sucker for romantic fairytale endings, but sometimes circumstances can be cruel.