Is there understanding from your friends and family when you describe your behaviour because of borderline personality disorder?
Until I picked up that short five page mental disorders booklet in Heywood, I had never ever considered that I might have borderline personality disorder, until I read its symptoms — instability in relationships, fear of rejection / abandonment, suicidal thoughts, self-harming behaviour, paranoia etc. The GP had just said I had major depressive disorder back in 2016 after another attempt at suicide, and I’d tried four different medications over three years — none of which helped to stabilise me.
Living with the dark thoughts of ending my life has been difficult, and I’ve been so afraid to speak of this to my family in case I’d be sectioned. This has always been one of my biggest fears. I was in denial of being mentally ill for so long just believing that I could ‘fix myself’ with whatever contemporary therapies I discovered and I’ve tried A LOT of methods and therapies in the space of fifteen years, including iboga (three times), hypnotherapy, visual coding displacement therapy, EMDR, medication, flower remedies, emotional freedom technique, advanced meditations, floating technique, counselling, psychology, tissue salts and more.
What makes me want to kill myself? The chronic loneliness and horrible thoughts of ‘I am nobody, I am not enough, I am ugly and no one will ever want me because of my scars, I can’t fix myself to be lovable etc. In those moments, I feel like I am nothing to my partner, and instead of being nice and asking him in kindness if he will come round and spend time with me, I turn, in a way, psychotic even and say the most vilest of things. The truth is that this is when I need him the most, but instead of acting out in kindness and love, I sabotage the relationship time and time again because I fear that he’s already had enough of me. It’s like something takes over. I am sorry afterwards when the overwhelming thoughts have balanced into lucid thoughts, but the damage is done. I’ve been this way, acting in desperation, running away from the slightest criticisms and over analysing thoughts or how someone looks at me, for example, for such a long time, and I can’t live like this anymore. I need medical help. I need the right therapy, because two doses of counselling and psychology have done nothing to provide me with control in those moments of desperation and intense fear.
Four suicide attempts, and constant thoughts of ending my life, and just trying to be understood by by partner, family and friends, and my GP has been hard. I know that life is a gift, and I feel incredible shame and guilt afterward over this behaviour, but all I want to do is to feel safe and secure and to not have these painful thoughts anymore. I always remember my ex partner saying “I don’t know how you have managed to survive this way for so long”, and it can only be because of Jesus Christ, my Saviour and my rock. It’s not always easy to pray or to read the bible in these moments, but Psalm 35 and Psalm 143 are effective.
Trying to explain this illness or disorder is difficult to others, because it may sound so melodramatic. it means so much to me to get their understanding, just for someone to listen and agree that I am not acting this way to ‘feel special’ or for attention. I wish I were normal. I wish I didn’t spend hours of my day picking at my skin just to escape having to feel the pain of shame, guilt, self-hate and blame. I often can’t think of happy memories, but there are plenty of negative ones to reflect upon day in day out.
My partner often just tells me, ‘just do something with your time’ but when I’m feeling chronically empty and lonely, my desperation is to feel safe and secure and then it becomes a frantic effort to find out if I mean anything to him. I phone him up and then come the needy paranoid thoughts and horrible words over and over and over until he says “this is abuse. I’ve had enough”. I text him with remorseful thoughts and tell him I love him over and over, and he forgives me, but then those moments of fear happen again and gain, and I end up running away and ‘acting out’ in desperation of love. It’s tiresome and this is why I often think that I am better off dead. I mean, which man would ever want this behaviour in a woman?
Just before Christmas in a session with my psychologist, I told her that I felt desperate and suicidal and she called 999. After waiting several hours to see someone, I told the mental health nurse that I wanted to be referred to a psychiatrist. I was discharged, but the emptiness and loneliness was still there as I walked back to pick up my car. Expert help should have been provided to me. No one should have to leave an A&E feeling mentally unwell. Just some methods shared to help me get past the suicidal thoughts, but it seems that the mental health services are a very power controlled service where they just want to get rid of the weak in society who do eventually just end their life through suicide. It’s tragic and should not be this way.
Several days ago, I took another overdose in desperation to end this chronic loneliness and put an end to the thoughts in my head telling me that I’m worthless and not enough. Finally, I have an appointment with a mental health practitioner soon, and I am hoping that I will be finally understood. I am a heavy analyser — I have been this way all of my life. I have great awareness of my behaviours afterward, but I just have absolutely no control over them when the fear takes over, and this is why I need the right therapy, or person, to work with. I have no official diagnosis either. Had I never found that leaflet in Heywood, would I have ever known what was wrong with me? My poor partner and the horrors and abuse that I have put him through in five years, and he still wants to marry me. I’m deeply ashamed. He says that no partner has ever been so sweet and kind to him, but then I have moments of psychosis when I turn extremely nasty with such violent hateful words. No wonder I hate myself.
If you have borderline personality disorder and feel misunderstood, try to get your family to watch these videos. It will give your family and friends a better awareness of the borderline between narcissistic psychotic behaviour that overwhelms us when that internal turmoil boils over, and also explain why self harm relieves our pain over the short term, and give others a better understanding of why suicidal thoughts are so prevalent in those with borderline personality disorder.
Fellow sufferers, please understand that we are not drama kings or queens. We are damaged human beings in need of care and understanding. We have a genuine disorder that is life destroying, and we need to stand up and say to these mental health practitioners, HELP US PLEASE. Surely you want your patients to get better, so hear us when we say that we are doing our very best to survive, even though we may end up destroying our relationships with family, friends, and partners. We don’t want to be the way. We don’t want to be judged as a trouble maker. We want to love others, but we find it impossible to love ourselves. HELP US PLEASE.