Paranoia is a horrible trait within mental illness. It is cruel to feel scared of people, family, and society in general, but these are the thoughts that come with Borderline. Occasionally I get the thought that a car is going to pull out a gun and shoot me, while I’m out walking, or that a random person will stab me. I get so afraid of human beings, at times. I’m afraid to look someone in the eye in case they react with anger and kill me.
I know that these sound very silly thoughts to a person reading this, but these thoughts are very real. For example, last Sunday, Christian and I went to Hebden Bridge, as we were planning to visit the cinema to watch A Star is Born with Judy Garland, but I couldn’t find anywhere to park the car. When we eventually found somewhere, which was near some houses, I panicked that I would get a ticket and I couldn’t shake off this thought, which was overwhelming and took over my sanity. I was also hungry, but when we approached a cafe, I caught three people looking at me and I immediately believed them to be judging and laughing at me. Then I couldn’t bear to walk any further to be around people because Hebden Bridge is always busy on Sundays, and just wanted to go home to feel safe. I wanted to die. I just wanted to feel peace. I didn’t want to be around people. Right at that moment I thought that if I looked anyone else in the eye, they would be able to read my thoughts and kill me.
It’s such erratic behaviour, but it’s horrible when the paranoia thoughts arrive, which stems from being overwhelmed. I can’t think straight. I can’t have any rational thoughts. Christian thought I was going to drive us off the cliff on the way home, and he was very angry. All the time I’m thinking “he’s going to leave me. I’m too much for him”. Then come the feelings of blame toward self. I don’t know why Christian is with me when I put him through so much. I need to believe him when he says that he loves me.