I’m starting a daily diary about my mental illness, because I have no official diagnosis, but there is not enough help for people out there who are struggling. So if you are having suicidal thoughts, as I do, you self harm as a kind of self-medication and soother, and you have eratic ups and down mood swings, as I do – please know that you are not alone. I know that I am not alone either.
I’m tired of being my own worst bully. My partner, Christian, says that he has never met anyone who has bullied themselves so much. I don’t know how to stop the skin picking, because it’s been frequent since the age of 19 – I believe after I was raped at a house party, which an ex therapist and I pinpointed during EMDR therapy. Sometimes we do not know what the mind and body will endure to help us survive.
I always thought I had depression, because that’s what my doctor wrote down on the sick note when I last attempted suicide in December 2016, but the frequent outbursts, the loneliness, the self harm, suicidal ideations, the irrational ups and downs, the torrent of abuse toward my partner, my constant need to run away, paranoia in social situations etc makes me lean toward Borderline Personality Disorder.