It hasn’t been a good day today. I woke up sobbing, then went into prayer and read the bible. I asked God to use this vessel of a body for His glory, tried to surrender my life but said to God that I don’t know how this looks. I’ve met really horrible Christians in my time who no doubt think that they are no longer sinning, because I was struggling with the skin picking, or I have tattoos, or I’m not dressed right. Who are they kidding? Hypocrites. I sin thousands of times a day, not that I’m condemning it, but Jesus came to save sinners, and I still have a flesh old nature, and we have all fallen short of God’s perfection.
It’s horrible to have to go out when I look like I’ve gone ten rounds in a boxing match – my eyes so puffy from tears that I can barely open them. Went to see my psychologist and I said I didn’t feel safe being on my own, so she called 999. It’s so embarassing to feel this way. I just wish I was strong. I wish I was somebody else. I wish I wasn’t this weak, pathetic, needy human being.
I’m no longer in control. I’m finally being referred to a psychiatrist. Maybe I’ll get an official diagnosis of BPD. Who knows. I don’t know how long it will take, but I keep telling myself that I don’t think that I will last much more. I cried walking the way home. Cried when I got home. Cried after a rowing workout. I don’t know who I am anymore.