As I said in my previous blog post, I have no official diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, but I’ve watched videos of its traits and believe that I meet 8 of its 9 common traits. My doctor just thinks I have depression, but I know it is far deeper than just depression because of the way I act. Here is an example.
I was at my partner’s house and had just woken up. A plumber was coming round to fix my toilet seat (a complex Roca seat) at 10am and I asked Christian if he wanted a brew with me before I went. He chose to stay in bed. I fell into a rage internally and the thoughts ‘I’m not important’ just overwhelmed me, and I drove off in tears, as I have done hundreds of times in the space of four years.
I have an incredible fear of abandonment and not being important. He phones me and I ignore his calls over and over. I go on the attack in text messages telling him that I mean nothing to him, and that he is lazy, and he responds telling me that I am irrational and silly. The trouble is that when I feel scared and lonely, I don’t know how to act because I’m overwhelmed and scared of being rejected. I hate this abusive behaviour in me.
I wish I wasn’t this way. I wish I was just normal, but what is normal. Does it exist? Perhaps we all have our ups and downs, but I just seem to display this externally in exhaustive abusive ways toward the man I love, while internally I’m so terribly scared of being alone. I know it’s not a healthy way to be. Then comes the shame and constant apologising to Christian for acting the way I do, until the next trigger. It’s not the first time. This has happened hundreds of times during our four year relationship. I think it is more than depression, but how do I get the diagnosis. How do I get a professional to take my symptoms seriously?