These pictures were taken a day before I miscarried. I know it’s probably bloat, given that my baby was only the size of a blueberry, but I have these pictures to remind me of the joy of being pregnant…as short as it was.

failure as a woman

No one can prepare you for the joy of finding out that you are pregnant. It was amazing. This was me in early December and I couldn’t hold back a pee at 5.30AM so I peed on the Clear Blue stick. Two minutes later. Pregnant 1–2 weeks.

Previously, I’d been buying pregnancy test kits for months, praying and hoping that I would miss my bloody period…and I felt sooo elated that it had finally happened to me. I’m very regular every 28 days.

All of the breast pain and bodily changes were worth it, but then you pray and hope that all is going well inside…until the expecant mother is no longer in control. Lives change. Devastation sets in. I experienced failure as a woman.

It was my first ever pregnancy. I’m 39. I never thought that I would ever want children, let alone want to get married, but that’s all gone to shit too.

On Thursday I was driving home and had the usual what I thought were pregnancy cramps, until I visited the toilet. Blood pooled out of me into the toilet. Partner and I went to the A&E, then we had to go elsewhere as they didn’t deal with pregnancies. It was a very cold environment. I was told I had a cyst, but they didn’t believe it was an ectopic. My blood levels showed that I had 5000 HcG levels, and a baby could be detected at 1500 HcG levels. I was booked in for a scan the following day. Meanwhile I had heavy bleeding throughout the night and the following day. I knew it was bad news. I was in such shock, and inconsolable.

At 2.30PM I was scanned on the top of the belly, and after the end of it they said because I didn’t have a full bladder, they couldn’t see anything. I was never told I needed a full bladder by the female doctor who examined me at 1AM in the morning that day previously. Next, they did a vaginal scan. I felt like I was just a thing being prodded. They never talked to me, just whispered amongst themselves and pressed buttons. Never acknowledged that a baby ever existed, just said that they couldn’t see anything.. in such a cold uncompassionate manner. They never hugged me, didn’t say sorry for your loss, didn’t offer me anyone to speak to. I guess it’s just another day another dollar for these staff.

The shock of miscarriage is one where I’ve never felt such a failure as a woman. There are so many questions that can never be answered, but the only hope I gain from this experience is that my little Grace, or Oliver, is now in the loving arms of Jesus Christ, as are the millions of innocent children who are aborted each day.

Our little bundles of joy will never have to set foot in this fallen world.

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